My Home

Truth is, I hadn't expected to be almost 27 years old and a single parent who still lives at home with her parents. A lot of big things in life aren't always expected though. All through my early twenties I anticipated moving out. Heck, all through out my teenage life I couldn't wait to move out. Many things have happened though, things that have forced me to live at home with mom and dad and slowly but surely accept it with sincerity. It's the best thing for me and my daughter now. It can't be any other way. It should not be any other way. The best way right now, is this way. I have slowly learned to allow this home to be my place of rest. To accept most aspects of it as my own. To know that it was created for me and even designed for me. Knowing that I can lay down at night with my daughter safe and sound next door has helped me to know that this is my home.

Somebody Feels Like a Nobody

Rush, Rush, Rush. Go, go, go. That had been my life the whole time I was in college and after wards. There was down time every now and then. Maybe in between jobs or on college breaks. But other than that, it was always gotta do this, gotta do that. Life now, is very different. No school, no job. I have my daughter and I have my home obligations but other than that, I have nothing else I HAVE to do. Trying to find a job can be a very stressful thing. Not knowing where money is going to come from or how your going to get around or if your going to get around can be a hard thing. I wonder if maybe this is God's way of saying, "sit down and chill out." I am not sure. I am not sure about much of anything lately. I am sure of one thing though, I feel like a nobody. I am not sure if that is okay or not, but I do. I went to undergrad and have some grad school work accomplished, but I don't feel very accomplished. I know it must be because I am not working, but if I were working, would I feel like a somebody? Or just another body. I've recently witnessed how even execs can get to feeling like nobody's. I was telling a good friend earlier of how this isn't how I had imagined it when I was a little girl playing with my barbies. This isn't how my life was going to be when I grew up. Single mother with no job not knowing where life was going to take her next. No, I was going to marry the man of my dreams in the big beautiful dress that I had designed myself and we would live happily ever after in our home with our kids....that was the way it was going to be. But its not that way, and who know if it ever will be. All I know now is that I hang on by faith, and I await the next big thing, hoping to feel like a somebody.

Meanwhile....

I think I have applied to more jobs in the past couple of weeks than I have in my whole life. That's what happens when you get desperate. Sadly enough, there are only so many you can apply for. I mean, hey, its you and everybody else that is without a job these days. You and everybody else that has been laid off are competing for the same jobs. My faith remains, although not always strong, that I will soon have a job. Meanwhile, I am discovering being happy in what I do have. I don't have a job, but I have a family and a home. I don't have much money, but I have music, T.V. (although I am still teaching myself how to watch it without feeling like a complete bum), games that I can play with my daughter, crafts and hobbies around the house, friends that come and visit, and certainly a lot of chores that need to get done. Today I practiced doing these things and being content. Although not always easy, I had to constantly tell myself that it is only for a season. That this too shall come to pass. I try to imagine myself being happily married and getting things done while my husband and child are away. That I need to hurry up and have things done so I can run and get in the shower before the loves of my life arrive. Doing this helps me to get things done with more joy. Even if it is "make believe", it motives me and gives me hope. Perhaps its the dreamer in me. The one I always deny being. The one that at the end of the day looks in the mirror and says "Girl, who do you think you are fooling?"