Excited, overwhelmed, happy, content, curious, anxious....yeah, that is how my God has me feeling right now. How can I not be anything less than overwhelmed by His love. How can I not halt at the simple touch of His breath. Forget His breath, a simple thought of His heartbeat should be enough to blow anyone away! The idea of His affection is enough to "knock" me out. I wish I could have 20/20 vision towards Him all the days of my life! Because He loves me, because He loves us!!!!

His Direction

I love the way God steers my direction. I love the way He takes me from one place in my life to the next. I imaging our lives being like one big and beautiful rocky road. Like being on a very long bike ride. A bike ride that can only be traveled on a gravel road. Some parts bumpy, while others smooth. It's not the ride we're there for, it's the view. The things we see, the paintings we pass. I imagine God taking His little sculpture, us, and placing us in his painting, the road. How beautiful the road, how tough the journey, but never a dull moment. If only more people would choose to travel on this wonderful road of adventure and hidden beauties only to be seen on this road less traveled. If only those that choose to take other paths would choose to take a piece of the token of love. If only they would take more than a simple glance. If only they would take a step in the Great Direction. If only.....
I want to see. I want to see the pastures, the paintings, and the fields. The fields of love and beauty. The fields of God.

Inside of Me for Happines, Please.

Yesterday, I made great effort to strive and only keep myself happy. Keeping others happy can be so exhausting. Although it can be a constant struggle of keeping yourself happy and your loved ones happy, at the end of the day, its important to keep yourself happy. Perhaps its a selfish thing of mine, this wanting to fulfill myself with only my desires, but when there is an existence of those in your life that only want you to stay happy in their idea of happiness, it is then that you realize to follow your own happiness. Riches and grandeur do not drive me. The idea of constant ownership of grand tangible things does drive me. No, it is the idea of a spirit free to explore the wonders of this world, not knowing how or when you will get there. Excited about the travel and views that will be encountered along the way. Perhaps I can be viewed of as being unrealstic of the nature of our world. Perhaps a dreamer. But oh the better to travel to my places of destination in this life. Yes, I realize all in this world. Unfairness and all. But, continue to call me a dreamer. Because dreams are what get me from one base to the next!

Staying Home

So, staying home the past few months has been more exciting than I would have thought it to be. I am actually going to miss this when I finally find a job. I didn't think that staying home could allow you to truly help you "find yourself". I have done many things while being home that I would not have been able to do had I been working all summer. Although things were tight, I got creative and put my thinking cap on. Mary and made new desserts. We went on trail walk on my parents land. Worked out together down in the basement. Made home made crafts. Rented movies from the public library. Played games online. Camped out in my closet (its big enough). Had sleepovers in each others rooms. Cleaned out unwanted junk from each of our rooms and closets. Learned the art of playing Frisbee as well as learned how to loose a match. Got wet outside. Oh how we did many many other things! Most importantly, we spent time together and learned about ourselves as well as about each other. : )

My Home

Truth is, I hadn't expected to be almost 27 years old and a single parent who still lives at home with her parents. A lot of big things in life aren't always expected though. All through my early twenties I anticipated moving out. Heck, all through out my teenage life I couldn't wait to move out. Many things have happened though, things that have forced me to live at home with mom and dad and slowly but surely accept it with sincerity. It's the best thing for me and my daughter now. It can't be any other way. It should not be any other way. The best way right now, is this way. I have slowly learned to allow this home to be my place of rest. To accept most aspects of it as my own. To know that it was created for me and even designed for me. Knowing that I can lay down at night with my daughter safe and sound next door has helped me to know that this is my home.

Somebody Feels Like a Nobody

Rush, Rush, Rush. Go, go, go. That had been my life the whole time I was in college and after wards. There was down time every now and then. Maybe in between jobs or on college breaks. But other than that, it was always gotta do this, gotta do that. Life now, is very different. No school, no job. I have my daughter and I have my home obligations but other than that, I have nothing else I HAVE to do. Trying to find a job can be a very stressful thing. Not knowing where money is going to come from or how your going to get around or if your going to get around can be a hard thing. I wonder if maybe this is God's way of saying, "sit down and chill out." I am not sure. I am not sure about much of anything lately. I am sure of one thing though, I feel like a nobody. I am not sure if that is okay or not, but I do. I went to undergrad and have some grad school work accomplished, but I don't feel very accomplished. I know it must be because I am not working, but if I were working, would I feel like a somebody? Or just another body. I've recently witnessed how even execs can get to feeling like nobody's. I was telling a good friend earlier of how this isn't how I had imagined it when I was a little girl playing with my barbies. This isn't how my life was going to be when I grew up. Single mother with no job not knowing where life was going to take her next. No, I was going to marry the man of my dreams in the big beautiful dress that I had designed myself and we would live happily ever after in our home with our kids....that was the way it was going to be. But its not that way, and who know if it ever will be. All I know now is that I hang on by faith, and I await the next big thing, hoping to feel like a somebody.

Meanwhile....

I think I have applied to more jobs in the past couple of weeks than I have in my whole life. That's what happens when you get desperate. Sadly enough, there are only so many you can apply for. I mean, hey, its you and everybody else that is without a job these days. You and everybody else that has been laid off are competing for the same jobs. My faith remains, although not always strong, that I will soon have a job. Meanwhile, I am discovering being happy in what I do have. I don't have a job, but I have a family and a home. I don't have much money, but I have music, T.V. (although I am still teaching myself how to watch it without feeling like a complete bum), games that I can play with my daughter, crafts and hobbies around the house, friends that come and visit, and certainly a lot of chores that need to get done. Today I practiced doing these things and being content. Although not always easy, I had to constantly tell myself that it is only for a season. That this too shall come to pass. I try to imagine myself being happily married and getting things done while my husband and child are away. That I need to hurry up and have things done so I can run and get in the shower before the loves of my life arrive. Doing this helps me to get things done with more joy. Even if it is "make believe", it motives me and gives me hope. Perhaps its the dreamer in me. The one I always deny being. The one that at the end of the day looks in the mirror and says "Girl, who do you think you are fooling?"

Being Intentional

As much as I like to "accidentally" fall into things and have things happen by "coincidence", I want to take a more practical approach to things. Sometimes when life skins you of all the things you thought would be, you get to being just plain and flat out practical. It is for this reason that I have taken a very real and new way for me to be. I am going to be Intentional. I am not just going to hope around, not just going to wonder around, and certainly not going to try to rationalize. I am just going to be intentional. I am going to strive to be as intentional in all of my actions as possible. I will intentionally hug my daughter, I will intentionally call a friend, I will intentionally interact with those around me. I will intentionally seek for the best. I will be intentional in seeking who I am meant to be.